An EXCLUSIVE interview with the terrifying Shadow Cabal Behind literally EVERYTHING!
by Hieronymus Aranea
Interview transcribed by Evan Saft, @NamesEquipped
There are certain things that have become commonplace in our day to day lives, certain things that you are assured will never affect you, certain things that you allow yourself to forget about, ignore, or otherwise assume are not of concern to your existence. That is, right up until you end up missing part of your torso because some Vance was trying out a new spell, and you weren’t able to hear their shouting intonations!
Yes, dear readers, I speak of course of our prolific areas non sonus, better known as the Fartown Soundholes, an issue that has plagued our town for far too long! There is not one council meeting that goes by without these silent spaces being brought up, and yet we receive nothing but inane platitudes and assurances that they are being ‘looked into’. Alderman Nyherx even has the gall to claim that complaints about the noiseless nuisances have quieted down, DESPITE the recent rise of incidents in which contract words are lost during Goetic Colloquies!
The average resident might be willing to chalk this up to the general sloth of local governance, perhaps incompetence or apathy at the worst. But such willing ignorance just allows the true forces at work here to hide their machinations. Wake up sheeple! (No offense intended, of course, to the patrons of A New Ewe, a most fine changerie, about which this reporter would never speak ill).
There is no possible way that such utter disregard for the wellbeing of Fartown citizens could be anything but a piece of an even larger plot: a plot that could only be uncovered by a reporter willing to delve deep into the hidden corners of local administration. And that, dear reader, is exactly where this humble reporter found the key to the secret of these soundless sectors.
What follows is an interview with a member of an elite corps, the true puppet masters pulling the strings of the Satyrine elite.
Hieronymus Aranea: Could you please state your name and title for the record? An alias would be fine if you need to hide from your dark masters.
Marcus Corollary: Oh, um, no, I think it should be fine. My name is Mx. Markus Corollary, Minor Aurum of the First Circle. I’m happy to tell you all about the cool things we’ve done. I’m a little surprised that people don’t talk about us more.
HA: Of course you are. And we’ll get to the military-grade cover up that your organization has been implementing, but for the moment, perhaps you’d like to explain what you were doing when I found you?
MC: Well, I was delivering some meeting minutes to Alderman Nyherx. I’m an initiate so that’s my job. And then you were standing outside the building shouting about ‘quiet quintessence’ so I asked what was up and you said the alderman was hiding secrets about the soundholes and I said we did that and you asked me who I worked for and then I told you and now we’re here.
HA: Yes, let’s focus in on that, shall we? This sentient Guilt that guides your every action. Just what are you guilty of?
MC: What? Oh! Oh no, I work for the Gilt. Gee-eye-el-tee. Have…have you really not heard of us? You know we closed a Hate Cyst threatening the entire city, once. That’s pretty cool, yeah?
HA: The Gilt? Those grandstanders with the garish gold make-up?
MC: I mean, we prefer Defenders Sovereign of the Legacy under the New Order of the Age. And it’s not actually makeup, it’s —
HA: Uh-huh. Of course you do. Fine, we’ll play your game for the moment. So you claim to be responsible for these shushing suckholes? Just what interest do your mysterious magistrates have in silencing the fine people of this city?!
MC: Yeah, we did that! Well, not me, but other people of the Gilt…but I was there! And, um, it wasn’t so much about silencing people as it was about the tree?
MC: Yeah, the one that tells secrets.
HA: You’re referring to to the Whispering Willow I take it? The previously popular poplar lauded by lascivious lovebirds for dainty declarations of devotion in its deciduous domain?
HA: And you of course know that there is long-standing record of direct action that the actual Gilt have taken against the Whispering Willow? Page upon page of documented deforestation attempts and salacious smear campaigns.
MC: Well yeah, but that was the whole point! No matter what we tried to do to get rid of the tree, it just stayed there! Nothing worked, even when we tried displacing a Hate Cyst into its trunk! One of the other members told me they thought it was a “Legacy constant” or something? And no matter how many times we told people not to listen to the tree, people just kept going there!
HA: Yes, it is such a surprise that people continued to visit one of the most beloved landmarks in Fartown despite being told not to by the group that destroyed a nearly done dam in the Sannyasa.
MC: I know! People should listen to us! We’re the ones that stopped the invasion of Dark Invisible [sic] Horrors, for goodness sake!
HA: Alright, Markus, I’ll allow you this cherubic charade. Tell me then, why your Gilt was so interested in the Willow?
MC: Well, because it was telling secrets.
HA: And do the “Gilt” typically concern themselves with such inane details as couples, thruples, and muples giddily gossiping with greenery?
MC: Not really, but that’s not the secrets we were concerned with. The Willow was telling other secrets too. Darker secrets! Secrets about the Legacy! It was our sacred duty as Defenders under the New Order of the Age to protect the public from hearing these Truths for which they are not prepared.
HA: And so to accomplish this, you cloaked not only the Willow in a shroud of silence, but several other locations across the whole of Fartown.
MC: Well…kind of.
HA: Kind of?
MC: Um, so the ritual that we were doing was only supposed to put a soundhole around the tree, but when we did the spell all the other soundholes popped up too. I don’t really understand why.
MC: But, I mean, we got the one around the tree, so that’s all that really matters right? It was a successful Reworking, and all of Actuality is safe again, thanks to us!
HA: Mx. Corollary, do you really expect me to believe that one of the most ponderous public pests plaguing the populous was perpetuated… by accident?
MC: Well, not the one around the tree, but the rest, yeah.
HA: And I suppose you have a reason why these continual cones of concussion stay standing despite constant complaints to the constabulary?
MC: We told the Thah not to mess with them, in case it would mess with the one around the tree. We finally found a solution that stuck, after all.
HA: Mx. Corollary, I believe this interview has run its course, thank you for your time.
MC: But I haven’t told you about the bom—
HA: Thank you Mx. Corollary, I will sure to contact you if I have any follow up.
Now, dear reader, I know what you are thinking: what an absolute waste of time, devoid of any truth. What odious organization could put forth such a vile volunteer to attempt to deter us from figuring out the insidious story behind the soundholes. However, it is in the face of devious deception that clarion clarity sounds forth. This reporter was not about to be mislead by this blatant manipulation of misdirection, as the true forces behind this would only have tried to throw us off the scent like this if they knew we were closing in on them. So, while Mx. Corollary, mastermind they may be, thought they could fool The Notion with such outrageous falsehoods, it was their humiliating hubris in talking directly to this humble reporter that has brought us us to the inevitable conclusion.
You see, in suggesting that the Whispering Willow was the focal point of the soundholes, Mx. Corollary tipped their hand. Upon taking it upon themself to plot out the location of the Fartown Soundholes, this humble reporter discovered a persnickety pattern in the pathway: the noiseless nodes follow a modified Fibonacci spiral originating from somewhere else entirely: the nearby playground, well known for its emotional impact! And that’s not all, there was a subtle subconscious slip from Mx. Corollary in our conversation: while they attempted to blame the soundholes on the Gilt, I believe it reveals the truth of their intention. Gilt, rhymes with silt, meaning dirt, close to bedrock, with words being the bedrock of our conversations and the foundation of our society at large, CLEARLY, this insidious institution is not only siphoning off both our words and emotions for some adverse activity intended to disrupt the entirety of our existence! This humble reporter has not yet put together the full solution to this concordant conundrum, but know that when this puzzle is pieced together, the readers of The Notion will be the first to know! Keep yourself informed, loyal readers, because EVERYTHING is connected!
And to Mx. Corollary, if you are in fact reading this, know that we are onto you, and will find out the reality of your redacted regulatory recreations!